So they tell me I need to have a contact page on the off-chance anyone would happen to want to contact me for some inexplicable reason. This is that page.
Having a little bit of a background in customer service, I know the importance of providing certain common information upfront which can save time and prevent awkward questions later on. On websites, these are often known as FAQs, not to be confused with facts, none of which exist around here being that I am a fiction writer.
However, since no one has attempted to contact me before, possibly due to the previous non-existence of this page, there are no frequently asked questions so labeling the following as FAQs would be a lie. Instead, we shall refer to them as possible scenarios under which you might want to contact me, which would be abbreviated as PSUWYMWTCM which is rather unwieldy and hard to remember so forget about the abbreviation and we will proceed directly to the scenarios after which you will find the contact page in the event none of the scenarios have been applicable to your purpose for endeavoring to contact me.
Possible Scenario #1: You are the crown prince of a third world country that doesn’t even have a monarchy and you are desirous of my help in relocating the fortunes of your late father, the former king of your third world country that doesn’t have a monarchy, the amount of which exceeds your nation’s GDP by a factor of fifty-nine and you will graciously allow me to keep the bulk of the fortune in exchange for my bank account details and other information as may be required to transfer the funds out of your country.
What to do: Sorry, but I’m not falling for that a fourth time!
Possible Scenario #2: You think that my site can be very popular and wish to contact me regarding your company’s ability to get my website on the first page of several search engines that no one uses anymore, such as Google. Seriously? Google? Is this still 2002? Anyway, your super secret SEO nonsense will propel me to the number one position for searches on such highly coveted search terms such as my name.
What to do: It doesn’t matter what you do because if your message contains the term “SEO” you are going to be blacklisted.
Possible Scenario #3: You represent an awards committee and need to contact me regarding the delivery of the prestigious award I have won as you need me to send you a check to cover the shipping and handling costs of delivering said award to me, plus a rather large insurance fee given how prestigious the award is and the rarity of cheap gold-painted plastic that will disintegrate into dust after a couple years of exposure to the sun in its prominent location in my living room window.
What to do: Sorry, but I am relatively sure the check will not be good, thanks to the efforts of the crown prince of some third world country that doesn’t even have a monarchy.
Possible Scenario #4: You are attractive and intelligent and have become enamored of me through my writing and think that we might possibly share some common ground such as a fondness for Halloween, animals and a willingness to try new ways of consuming bacon and you wish to contact me in an effort to see what might happen.
What to do: You can do better. Try a dating site where you won’t find me but you will find dozens, if not hundreds, of better candidates, unless you use Craigslist. I may be marginally better than what you might find on Craigslist, unless it’s a cute, cuddly kitten. Get the kitten.
Possible Scenario #5: You have been offended by something in one of my books and wish to contact me in order to file a long, rambling complaint about how a line in one of my books is going to result in the end of civilization and the world as we know it.
What to do: Please clearly mark your message as a “COMPLAINT” so I may file it appropriately upon receipt.
Possible Scenario #6: You want me to invest in Bitcoin or cryptocurrency or something else through some dodgy website whose link I am not going to click.
What to do: Please buy one million copies of any combination of my books. If you cannot afford to buy one million copies of any combination of my books, I am guessing your Bitcoin or cryptocurrency investment strategies probably are not working out too well for you in which case there is little point in trying to convince me to use your site or strategies. In either event, I will use any money I earn through those sales to invest in various reputable investment opportunities of my choosing through a reputable firm.
Possible Scenario #7: You installed your super secret malware on my computer when I visited some unseemly website which gives you control over my computer and changing my password will have no effect since your keystroke logger catches all the changes and you have used my webcam to film me doing unsavory things such as picking my nose, picking things out of my teeth or trying to see if that dangling thingy in the back of my throat is inflamed.
What to do: Oh, silly spammer. If you had installed your malware on my computer, you would know it does not have a functional webcam.
Possible Scenario #8: You are a spammer and want to sell me products or services. This includes trying to sell me website design or redesign services. It also includes lending services. And, no, I absolutely do not want to install Google Analytics or whatever other garbage they have to offer. And, did you bother to read Possible Scenario #2 where made it quite clear I am not interested in your SEO services? In short, well, you know what spam is and I do not want it. So, if you insist on using this form to spam me, please be aware that by submitting this form you are entering into an agreement whereby you expressly and fully agree to pay me a sum not less than $1,000.00 (USD) per submission.
What to do: Well, do not send me spam. Period. If you do, be prepared to pay me a sum of not less than $1,000.00 (USD) per submission.
If none of these options have adequately covered the scenario for which you wish to contact me, you may proceed to fill out the contact form below, click the “Submit” button and pray it actually reaches me.
Contact Me
